"When I was little my Mom used to tell me, 'Every time you say a cuss word, a fairy dies.' I remember feeling really bad about that as a kid, because I had a real bad potty mouth in the early 90's and those fairies were just dropping like flies. But now I'm pretty sure it was the AIDS."
"I just realized that if telling me a guy is gay is a good way to cock block me from a guy, I think a good way to cunt block me would be to tell me that a girl's vagina is actually The Sarlacc, that sand monster in the desert from 'Return of the Jedi'."
"When your boyfriend asks you if you think his Mom is a bad person and you in fact know she is the goddamn devil because you've awkwardly walked in on her while in devil-form, sacrificing a virgin, it's probably a good idea to tell him. Mostly just to warn him."
"Nothing can break up a relationship faster than lack of communication. Oh yeah and incest."
"I think a miscarriage is God's way of saying, 'Nobody deserves a Mom like you.' But in a God-like, non-judgmental way."
"Pedophiles are like the snake charmers of children. Really Pedophile, you got that child to do what? I can't even get my nephew to eat broccoli."
"California is starting to remind me of this stripper I knew in Seattle. Always dipping her hands too deep into my pockets too. She was just so pretty and had so much to offer. Like doing the splits on your lap, full of wonders. She always needed just a little more before she was in the clear, but it never seemed to be enough. Also like California, she kept doing 'favors' for VIP's in the back room when she promised she would stop. Slut."
"If a dolphin ever tries to rape you, I've found that it's best not to use your rape whistle on them, because dolphins are immune to rape whistles. If anything it will just egg them on to do tricks like balancing a beach ball on their nose while still continuing to rape you."
"I think being a man is probably a lot like being a woman, except you would make way more money, have way more upper body strength, wouldn't have to carry another human being inside your body for nine months then push it out of your tiny vagina and you wouldn't have that constant fear of rape all the time. But other than that, almost completely identical."
"On President's Day I only celebrate one president, Abraham Lincoln. Everybody else, meh. Not that impressed. But then again, I do read a lot of comic books. So it takes a lot to impress me. Like super human strength, regenerative powers and ending slavery."
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