"I'm writing a new book called '101 Ways to Hit on a Clown'. I figured that since clowns aren't funny and make people feel uncomfortable, I might as well write a book that shows people how to make them feel the same way. Since they have to stay in character and obnoxiously entertain kids, the best way to do that would be to awkwardly hit on them the entire time they try to do this. Here's what I have so far: 'Would you like to see MY squirting flower?', 'You know what they say about big feet.', 'Be careful with that balloon, wouldn't want it to POP.', 'I bet that big red nose really tickles.' and 'Do the rainbow curtains match the carpet?' I just know of one clown in the area to test it out on at the Children's Hospital in the Cancer Center. I'll set him straight."
"I'm writing a new book called '101 Ways to Hit on a Clown'. I figured that since clowns aren't funny and make people feel uncomfortable, I might as well write a book that shows people how to make them feel the same way. Since they have to stay in character and obnoxiously entertain kids, the best way to do that would be to awkwardly hit on them the entire time they try to do this. Here's what I have so far: 'Would you like to see MY squirting flower?', 'You know what they say about big feet.', 'Be careful with that balloon, wouldn't want it to POP.', 'I bet that big red nose really tickles.' and 'Do the rainbow curtains match the carpet?' I just know of one clown in the area to test it out on who sleeps under the 101 freeway in downtown LA at night. I think his name is 'Rapey the Clown' or something. I'll go set him straight."
"In high school I got the nickname "Carpet Head" from my stoner girlfriend, because my last name is Carpentieri. One night my other girlfriend was drunk, got the nickname wrong and called me "Carpet Nuts". Now to the outsider hearing this nickname for the first time, it sounds like I'm a dirty whore, who obviously got rawdogged by some dude on 1970's shag carpet, who then got a mean case of "Carpet Nuts", which is of course how I got my nickname. Not because my girlfriend was drunk and just said my nickname wrong. But I didn't correct her, because having a nickname is cool and if you're lucky enough to get one, you hold tight and never let go"
"Is it just me or does anyone else feel like they're wearing a disguise? Like I was a nerdy, teenage boy up in heaven and I got to pick which body I would reincarnate into. Duh, the hot chick. Because this would explain why I stay home, read comic books and masturbate all the time. This would also explain why my cat watches me, who I'm pretty sure is also a reincarnated, nerdy, teenage boy."
"The other day I borrowed my Aunt Sharon's blow dryer and she told me not to use the high setting because this was only to be used in high altitudes. I'm really glad she explained this to me because that must be why my hair is so frizzy. I thought it was because my Mom has been having an affair with a big black man who comes over when my father is at work, calls me 'little girl', makes me sit on his lap and call him 'Daddy'. Mystery solved, no worries."
"If you've never tried it, the best sensation is laughing and orgasming at the same time. To obtain this, I named my vibrator the least sexy, funniest name I could think of. That way at the point of orgasm when I call out my vibrator's name I can't help but break out into laughter. 'Gilroy!' Gets me everytime. But somehow this is always followed by immediate sadness. Probably because Gilroy is also the name of my dead Grandpa."
"I don't understand why people come to Hollywood to try to be actors without any formal training whatsoever. I mean when I was a kid I used to play doctor to finger bang all the hot little bitches in my neighborhood too, but I didn't try to make a career out of it."
"My ex-boyfriend's Mom used to tell me that ladies don't cuss. To which I would reply, 'Well you have breast implants, dress like a whore, have sex with married men for money and think that the word 'incest' means 'allowance money from Daddy', so I'll just leave being a lady to you because that all sounds fucking disgusting to me. Now can you pass the fucking shit licker, ass mouth, cock sucker, mother fucking salt please?"
"Ladies, I've found that a great defense against a douche-bag when he's trying to talk to you is to interrupt him by poking his nose and saying, "Boop!" Because all that a douche-bag wants is for his bullshit to be taken seriously. This let's him know that you indeed do not. This works great in meetings with agents and can be used as a douche-bag detector of sorts. For example, if you were wrong about the guy being a douche-bag, you will probably get a laugh out of him. But most douche-bags will become extremely uncomfortable and upset. Like the time I tried it on that guy who's dog I had just accidentally run over. What a douche-bag."
"I think That if there were ever a survey on pedophiles and what superhero they would most like to be, hands down, no contest, the unanimous winner would be Professor X. I bet 9 out of 10 of them have even imagined a tiny plaque that they would place on their desk at Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters that reads: 'Living the Dream'."
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