"The other day I borrowed my Aunt Sharon's blow dryer and she told me not to use the high setting because this was only to be used in high altitudes. I'm really glad she explained this to me because that must be why my hair is so frizzy. I thought it was because my Mom has been having an affair with a big black man who comes over when my father is at work, calls me 'little girl', makes me sit on his lap and call him 'Daddy'. Mystery solved, no worries."
"If you've never tried it, the best sensation is laughing and orgasming at the same time. To obtain this, I named my vibrator the least sexy, funniest name I could think of. That way at the point of orgasm when I call out my vibrator's name I can't help but break out into laughter. 'Gilroy!' Gets me everytime. But somehow this is always followed by immediate sadness. Probably because Gilroy is also the name of my dead Grandpa."
"I don't understand why people come to Hollywood to try to be actors without any formal training whatsoever. I mean when I was a kid I used to play doctor to finger bang all the hot little bitches in my neighborhood too, but I didn't try to make a career out of it."
"My ex-boyfriend's Mom used to tell me that ladies don't cuss. To which I would reply, 'Well you have breast implants, dress like a whore, have sex with married men for money and think that the word 'incest' means 'allowance money from Daddy', so I'll just leave being a lady to you because that all sounds fucking disgusting to me. Now can you pass the fucking shit licker, ass mouth, cock sucker, mother fucking salt please?"
"Ladies, I've found that a great defense against a douche-bag when he's trying to talk to you is to interrupt him by poking his nose and saying, "Boop!" Because all that a douche-bag wants is for his bullshit to be taken seriously. This let's him know that you indeed do not. This works great in meetings with agents and can be used as a douche-bag detector of sorts. For example, if you were wrong about the guy being a douche-bag, you will probably get a laugh out of him. But most douche-bags will become extremely uncomfortable and upset. Like the time I tried it on that guy who's dog I had just accidentally run over. What a douche-bag."
"I think That if there were ever a survey on pedophiles and what superhero they would most like to be, hands down, no contest, the unanimous winner would be Professor X. I bet 9 out of 10 of them have even imagined a tiny plaque that they would place on their desk at Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters that reads: 'Living the Dream'."
"When I was little my Mom used to tell me, 'Every time you say a cuss word, a fairy dies.' I remember feeling really bad about that as a kid, because I had a real bad potty mouth in the early 90's and those fairies were just dropping like flies. But now I'm pretty sure it was the AIDS."
"I just realized that if telling me a guy is gay is a good way to cock block me from a guy, I think a good way to cunt block me would be to tell me that a girl's vagina is actually The Sarlacc, that sand monster in the desert from 'Return of the Jedi'."
"When your boyfriend asks you if you think his Mom is a bad person and you in fact know she is the goddamn devil because you've awkwardly walked in on her while in devil-form, sacrificing a virgin, it's probably a good idea to tell him. Mostly just to warn him."
"Nothing can break up a relationship faster than lack of communication. Oh yeah and incest."
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