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"One time my friend told me about a bum squatting on his property that wouldn't leave, no matter what he tried. Then one day he went out and bought a giant dildo, came home and chased the bum with it, screaming, 'If you don't get off my property, I'm gonna fuck you with this and I'm gonna fuck you real good!' The bum ran away and never came back. Then one day I had a bum squatting on my property that wouldn't leave, so I did the same thing as my friend. It didn't work. That bum has been living on my property for two years. Just waiting everyday, for me to fuck him with that giant dildo."
"I find it disturbing that someone who I know likes incest, also likes some of the same food as me. The problem is, now when I eat this food, all I taste is incest."
"When people call Cherokees 'Generokees' because of our fair features, I know they're probably just jealous, because our ancestors got to go on the 'Trail of Tears'. Sounds like a pretty awesome rock band, doesn't it? It wasn't. It was pretty much just a really long eviction from their land with lots and lots of abuse and rape. Which is how Cherokees became so fair or 'generic'. But don't go and try to start a band called 'Trail of Tears' now, because I call dibs."
"If you have to walk alone at night, always carry a knife. In case this doesn't work, strap a fake bomb to your chest inside of your coat and hold onto a fake detonator. If a would be attacker comes near you, pull open your coat revealing the fake bomb, while threatening him with the fake detonator not to come any closer. Before he can realize that it's a fake, disappear into the night, like the ninja that you are."
"Always keep nunchucks by your bed, so you're prepared for any possible attack on the premises. Also in case, Cousin Rick tries to sneak into your bedroom while your sleeping at night."
"Crazy people should be diagnosed and administered animals to lead them through life, like blind people are. But instead of a dog, it should be something they can relate to, like an invisible elf that tells them that some things are scary, they shouldn't go to certain public places, some people are out to get them and maybe they should kill Grandma Nez before she kills them. Wait, I think they already have those."
"If you find out your lover has been involved in incest, try to take it as a compliment. It's almost as good as turning a gay man straight. Because even though they will never truly love you and were probably thinking about their sister/a man the entire time, you were hot enough for that 15 minutes to suffice. Good for you, Hot Stuff."
"If your husband cheated on you while you had cancer, maybe he did really love you, but he was just scared to have sex with you because he thought his dick would 'catch' cancer. Or maybe he's just a dick."
"I've found that you can judge a man by the poster he grew up with on his bedroom wall. For example, if he had a Baywatch poster, he's probably a tool. But if he had a Bruce Lee or Star Wars poster, he is probably a major decision maker in life and can move mountains or at least my panties from on me, to the bedroom floor."
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